Friday, August 24, 2012

Raw Broccoli


If it's cool for a vegetable to smell rotten when it is actually perfectly fresh, we should just stop right now and call broccoli the champion of the universe. Oh wait, it's not cool to eat something that smells like a massive turd? My mistake.

Seriously. Who enjoys raw broccoli? The smell impaired, no doubt. The texture of raw broccoli also leaves something to be desired, and the cabbage-ish taste really just doesn't cut it. I have never understood the allure of eating cold, tough, waxy veggie trees. Now, expertly steamed broccoli? THAT is divine. I'll eat that crap by the boatload. The enjoyability of broccoli is inversely proportionate to it's rawness, with an asymptote carefully placed at "cooked to perfection."

Raw broccoli must go.



Sunday, June 24, 2012

PT Cruisers


PT Cruisers look like the mutant spawn of a VW Beetle bred with a hearse.

This post could end there, could it not?

When PT Cruisers made their debut in 2000, I thought the world had gone absolutely insane. Who in their RIGHT MIND would drop 20 grand on that? Apparently, lots of folks. I have hated every PT Cruiser I have ever laid my troubled eyes upon, but ESPECIALLY the dark purple (not maroon... purple) model that zipped around my neighborhood in the Cruiser's hey day.

Thankfully, the production of the PT Cruiser stopped in 2010. Unfortunately, I'm sure there will be ugly little used PTs cruising around for many more years to come. I will never truly experience happiness until I know the last PT Cruiser in the world  has been destroyed.

PT Cruisers must go.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Sidewalk Snails

 

There are very few sensations in this life less pleasant than unexpectedly crunching and subsequently smearing a snail into the pavement with your foot. I imagine squishing one with your face would be worse, but that rarely happens. Pedal snailocide is comparatively pretty common.  

Most of the time, the sidewalks are largely free of snail traffic. However,  every once in a blue moon one particular stretch of neighborhood sidewalk is choked with a mass migration of snails. I do NOT know what it is about the sidewalk that the snails find so absolutely irresistible. Were they spooked into a snail stampede? Did the snail chief accidentally lead his tribe astray? Perhaps it's the DANGER associated with a journey over terrain peppered with heavy footsteps and stroller wheels that the snails find so enticing. Actually those last two are probably not it, since snails don't really have brains.

Don't do it, snails. You will lose this battle.

I know they don't possess the ability to reason, but seriously, how many snail lives and shoe soles could be saved if each little snail just thought twice before crossing the sidewalk? How hard would it be for them to survey their surroundings with their little antennae? Maybe then they'd notice that their friends behind them in the grass were still alive, while the sidewalk in front of them was littered with the carcasses of their fallen comrades. I guess in a perfect world, snails would be super geniuses who drove little armored cars between their city home in the gutter and their summer homes on the front lawn.

For now, the snails just need to stay the freak off the sidewalk and as far away from my feet as possible.

Sidewalk snails must go.